Seduce Me: Noah’s Ark, Deer, Dolphin, Sea Horse, Spider

Seduce Me. Noah's Ark, Deer, Dolphin, Sea Horse, Spider

I’ve seen several episodes of Isabella Rossellini’s cable TV series Green Porno about how different animal species have sex and reproduce. Seduce Me looks like pretty much the same thing with a different name. So I did a little research online and apparently it’s technically a different series, but for all intents and purposes is indeed a continuation of Green Porno.

I’m not sure how many episodes of Seduce Me were made, but evidently they each have multiple segments. This one has five episodes: animals that reproduce other than in the conventional male/female way (i.e., contrary to the animal pairs of Noah’s Ark), deer, dolphins, sea horses, and spiders.

I remember the first time or two I saw Green Porno it just seemed dumb. The segments are very short, and the way they are acted out is amateurish.

But I’ll admit it grew on me. Not to the point that I became a big fan, but once I’d watched enough I had a better sense of why many people are indeed big fans.

The amateurishness is obviously intentional and is part of the charm, as are the elaborate, goofy costumes Rossellini dons in each segment. (Again, Seduce Me and Green Porno are virtually identical in style, so whatever I say about one I mean to apply to both.) And brief as they are, they do have some educational value. If you genuinely wanted to know how these animals have sex, this would be a perfectly good place to start.

For these five segments, other than the opening Noah’s Ark one, Rossellini is first shown alone, and then a hand or body part reaches in and does something to her that she finds puzzling or annoying, to which she responds, “Are you seducing me?” Then after a moment’s thought she continues, “What do you think I am, a _____ ?” because it turns out that what the unnamed offscreen person is doing resembles how a certain animal initiates sex. Then the segment switches to her in costume as that animal, and she demonstrates how that species has sex.

I don’t know if she covered any other animals from this episode in Green Porno, but I remember she did have a segment on spiders. The main difference is that as I recall she was a male spider in that one, whereas she’s a female spider in the Seduce Me one.

Indeed, she plays the female in all these (except for the species that don’t have females), and the theme is that each time she is being seduced by a male.

One thought I have watching these is that they make a good rejoinder to those who are stupid enough to seek to base what humans should do on what is “natural.” Such people typically assume that only humans are “perverted” enough to go against nature by having sex in any way other than male-female intercourse for the purpose of procreation, like somehow animals instinctively stick to that. When in fact, the animal kingdom features plenty of homosexuality, hermaphroditism, group sex, sex for pleasure, transsexualism, and on and on—all the things that make conservatives clutch their Bible in terror.

Like I say, I’ve warmed up to these little films to some extent. A lot of it is that Rossellini herself is an unusually charismatic woman; I feel like I could watch her in just about anything. She makes Seduce Me fun and cute, while still being informative.

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